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"My husband and I have been arguing since we first met in college seventeen years ago. We get angry over anything and get mad way too much. It seems to be getting worse and worse. It's amazing how quickly we argue. A big part of the problem is that we both argue so differently. I blow up, blame him for my anger and want to talk about the problem and resolve it. He backs off, sometimes says sarcastic remarks, won't talk and gets even by doing things I don't like but can't prove he's doing.
For example, he says he forgot to pick up the clothes at the cleaners when I know he knew there was a dress I wanted to wear that night. We're both getting weary of our fighting big time and the constantly escalating anger and frustration. We periodically say we want to stop and then the terrible pattern begins again. In the last argument when we almost came to blows, we both said it must end. What's going on here and what can we do? Even though we think we love each other and want to save the marriage, the marriage cannot go on like this forever."
You two have a major case of destructive anger that apparently has been in place and growing for seventeen years. It is not surprising the marriage is in trouble and the two of you have so much resentment with each other. It also appears hitting would come next and that would clearly end the marriage and it should.
In addition to the problems people have with each other when angry, you two have ways of being angry that lead to more anger and frustration. You in effect are the "exploder" and he is the "clam". You blow up and want to talk and he recedes in his shell except for sarcastic comments and to come out for passive-aggressive tactics like pretending he forgot to get your dress.
The difficulty here is how long this problem has been developing and how engrained are the behavior patterns. The ace you both hold is that you think you love each other and have a desire to save the marriage.
The anger also seems to have a very corrosive hostility to it that is destroying your problem solving abilities and potentially your marriage and love. Love cannot grow when anger and growing hostility are the primary nutrients. Like poison, they will build Êup and kill it.
I suggest you personally begin by not exploding in anger and attempt to present concerns from aÊ how "I feel" perspective rather than blaming him and listen to his responses and see if this stops him from going into his shell with sarcasm and destructive passive-aggressive practices.
Your husband needs to feel free to talk to you when you are rational and to quit his "clam" activities. Communication can be enhanced for both of you by you admitting to him you blow up and are unreasonable and he admits his passive-aggressive practices and sarcasm are equally unreasonable.
If even with you not blowing up, your husband needs time to process your information and his feelings, it is reasonable for him to have a time out. However, it is equally reasonable for him to give you a time when he will be able to talk to you. Otherwise you will become frustrated and angrier yet and his fully controlling when he will talk take on the quality of a passive-aggressive punitive tactic.
Try from today forward to let the past go and humanely talk to each other, work to understand the true meaning of what each says, be sensitive and jointly reflect feelings of kindness and empathy for each other. Expect this to only work with a lot of effort by both of you and many false starts. The key is to never lose sight of your goal.
If you cannot solve this problem yourselves, a highly skilled therapist in both anger and marital problems in communication could be very helpful. In fact, that may be something to consider right away.