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"My husband has always been quick to get angry over anything. He's not violent and gets over his anger quickly. The problem is that both our 10 and 11 year old children are developing the same traits in the same way. The major problem of all three is that they can't distinguish between something like a fun jab at them versus a real mean statement or act that is meant to hurt them.
Even though tiring and sometimes infuriating, I have just come to accept my husband as he is. I've also been accepting this in my children. He surprised me when he said he had a problem and noticed the same problem in our kids and said he would try to change to help them. He also agreed we could work together to help him and the children. What's the problem and what can we do?"
The problem is that they cannot distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate anger.
This is far more common than you might think. In fact, who can say he or she has not gotten upset or angry over something where we totally missed the intention of someone's words or actions towards us? You're right, we all have and probably still do every now and then. However, when it becomes common practice, we begin to have problems with ourselves and with relationships with others.
The first thing they need to do is the old "count to ten" routine so they have time to accurately interpret the event. This is easier said than done when you are used to reacting with anger to many things.
If a person is very mean or unfair to one of your children or your husband, then anger is the appropriate feeling to have. However, if one is kidding them in good humor, inadvertently bumps into one of them, or surprises them, then humor, understanding, and surprise are appropriate responses, and certainly not anger. Life is too short to have this anger problem or for others to have to put up with unreasonable anger from anyone. Use this opportunity to free yourself from the anger you endure.
Many persons need some time to adequately interpret a situation that might make them angry. If persons take this time and choose to only be angry when appropriate, then a major and positive change will occur in their interactions with others. People will be much happier to be around them. They also will feel better about themselves because they will be thinking more positively and will not shatter relationships through inappropriate anger.
Even if they are not "violent", people tend to tire of angry people who misinterpret the daily interactions and events in life. One needs to be "walking on eggshells" when around them; and as you said, it is "tiring and sometimes infuriating".
That your husband sees the problem and wants to change is positive and critical to success. While not blaming, it is clear they are modeling his behaviors and attitudes. If he says he will change and they also need to change, then prognosis is very good if you all work together.
You can begin by discussion with your husband and then have family discussions to clearly identify the problem and come up with strategies to change the inappropriate anger reactions. They need to work on appropriate interpretation of what happens around them. This will then lead to an appropriate reaction and a happier life for you, them, and all you interact with. Good Luck!