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"My husband and I continue after 15 years of marriage to fight about the role of his parents and family in our lives. He talks to his parents and his brothers and sisters on a daily basis. They are always dropping over to our home. To make thing worse for me, our three children are much more like him than me. I encourage all three of them to be close to his family. The problem is not that I fight with them to see his family less but that I'm not like them and need private time. His family is often too much for me. There are times I say hello, talk some but then go to my room to read or work in the yard. They all push me to stay and seem to be upset that I don't want to be with them all the time. I'm tired of this and fighting with my husband over it.
I see me accepting him, his family and his view of family but his not accepting how I am and see things. He can't understand me and why I don't want to be as involved with his family as he is. I grew up as an only child and without a lot of family. We love each other and I talk to my parents weekly and see them maybe once or twice a month. Our pastor has told him how lucky he is to have a wife who doesn't complain about his constant involvement with his family. Am I wrong? What should I do?"
You are not wrong. You and your husband are very different persons from very different family backgrounds. That you are willing to accept his approach to family interactions is a tribute to you and something he needs to acknowledge. Ironically, your interaction pattern with your family is more the norm than his.
The key point here is that you accept his approach to extended family and he does not accept yours. That is not fair. Particularly, when it is his family and he wants to behave like it is yours.
It does not appear he intends to be mean or demeaning to you. He is just so excited about his family that he wants you to be a part of it at the same level. The family also wants you to be an active part. They also appear to mean well and want you to be like them. Even if this were desirable, it is not what you want.
That you allow your children to be as involved with his family as is the father, shows you are not trying to sabotage his interactions or those of your children with his family.
You need to find a way to communicate with your husband to help him listen to you and accept your outlook. You are a different person than he is, with a different family history and a different view on the role of his extended family. This is just a difference he needs to accept.
I suggest you get back with your pastor, explain your feelings and enlist his support in a discussion with the three of you. He could be a huge ally for you.
A therapist experienced in involved family interaction could also be helpful.
This situation will be very difficult to change because of the views of your husband. You have proven to be flexible while he wants you to be like him with his family. He needs to give you some slack and accept your individual differences. Hopefully, involvement of your pastor and/or a therapist can bring about this change.