Effective Parenting for Divorced Parents
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Effective Parenting for Divorced Parents
Hello Everyone!
This situation is very typical with divorced parents when children put one parent against the other to get what they want. Fortunately, the parents in this situation decided to work together. Divorced parents must not let their anger at each other lead to bad parenting. My DVD and CD set entitled: "Divorce: Coping and Overcoming It" could be helpful if the effects of your divorce are negatively impacting on your parenting or other painful aspects of divorce.
Question
My ex-husband and I usually cannot agree on anything. But now, we've finally agreed our ten year old daughter is lying to each of us to get what she wants. Fortunately, I happened to be with my wonderful ex-mother-in-law when I told my daughter I would not buy her a bike until she treated me with more respect and cleaned up her room. She told her father I said I hated her and would never buy her a bike. Of course, he went right out and bought her the bike. My mother-in-law found out what happened and told him the truth. He actually called me and said we have to get along better or this type of thing will keep happening. He hasn't wanted to talk about this very type of situation in the past. I can try, but I don't trust him. What do you think?
Answer
There are few bigger problems resulting from a divorce than a child playing one parent against the other. It not only causes great emotional distress to both parents but further destroys what is often an emotionally raw and explosive relationship. If this type of situation continues, the worst casualty will be your daughter. She will not only learn to manipulate each of you to her own advantage, but will not care about the hurt and anger she causes. It will be the classic example of the end justifying the means. If these manipulative behaviors carry over to relationships outside the home, the eventual emotional damage to your daughter and everyone who has personal interactions with her can predictably be great. Even though difficult because of previous interactions between the two of you, you two must effectively interact at least in relation to her. Try to have your mutual love for her be the key factor to unite you. Do not let your distrust for each other destroy the emotional health of all three of you. Since both of you seem to trust your ex-mother-in-law, maybe she can help you communicate better. You both need to talk to your daughter jointly and let her know you will not accept her lying to either of you. Use the bike as a beginning. Take the bike away from her if this has not already happened and only let her have it when she tells the truth over a period of time and generally does what you desire. It is a reasonable standard for a child to be respectful in order to receive something special from parents.
Hopefully this situation will not only help your daughter but lead to civil communication between you and her father at least in relation to her.
Questions?
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