tag:www.bracciophd.com,2012:/newsletter/1 2012-01-27T15:45:16Z Movable Type 3.34 tag:www.bracciophd.com,2012:/newsletter//1.90 2012-01-27T15:40:07Z 2012-01-27T15:45:16Z

Question Dr. Braccio: Our sixteen year old daughter is popular but seems way too concerned that her friends approve of her and what she does. We have tried to stay out of it but worry. In spite o f...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question Dr. Braccio: Our sixteen year old daughter is popular but seems way too concerned that her friends approve of her and what she does. We have tried to stay out of it but worry. In spite o f all her successes and friendships, she cannot enjoy herself because she always worries about what others think of her and what she does. What's wrong and what should we do? Answer Your daughter is confusing legitimate recognition by her friends of her achievements with a false need for their approval. To be recognized for what she does is positive. To desire this is only human. To have her self-worth determined by this recognition or approval is negative and puts her on a life path where she will never approve of herself unless others do. Even though this problem is common at all ages, it is sadly very common with teenagers. For the sake of her mental health, you need to try to help her change her outlook now. As parents, you can do the following: 1. Consistently encourage her to be an independent person. Shakespeare said it best" "This above all: to thine own self be true". 2. Advise her that she must meet reasonable standards and be proud when she meets them. 3. Tell her that recognition or approval is positive but must not determine how she perceives herself or her achievements. 4. Help her be aware true friendships are not superficial and are based on mutual respect and not how popular we are on a given day. True friendships last for years. In effect, a true friend is a part of us. 5. Prepare her for the times her "friends" may reject, criticize, or subtlety put her down. The emotional pain will be far less if she is secure in herself and has the strength to defend her decisions and acts. 6. Help her see that "another person", and not herself, will control her life if she needs approval of others to be happy with herself. This is a key concept she must understand. 7. Use difficult "friendship" times for her as teaching moments to help her put approval in perspective. This will be a difficult situation to change in the short run because most teenagers have this problem to some degree and she appears to have it at a relatively strong level. Do not get discouraged with yourselves or her if she does not change quickly. Just keep using the suggestions mentioned above and success will come.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2012:/newsletter//1.89 2012-01-17T01:56:40Z 2012-01-17T02:00:02Z

Question: Dr. Braccio: My husband and I generally get along fine. The problem is that every now and then he explodes and becomes verbally abusive. We never can figure out why he snaps. This seems to be happening more...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question: Dr. Braccio: My husband and I generally get along fine. The problem is that every now and then he explodes and becomes verbally abusive. We never can figure out why he snaps. This seems to be happening more frequently. In fact he has twice broken his New Year's Resolution not to get verbally abusive. He doesn't become physically abusive but is pretty hateful and scary. I'm asking your advice because you helped a friend of mine and her husband in your Anger Management Program who had similar problems. What should I do? We love each other. I do not want things to get worse but our marriage is at risk. Answer: The saying "love is not enough" seems to fit your situation. Abusive behavior has no place in any human encounter let alone when you say you love each other. You need a more patient and kind love without abusive treatment. The following is necessary to protect yourself and help him. I would talk to him as you set up these minimal common sense standards to protect yourself. You actually are protecting him from himself and vastly improving your prospects for a peaceful and loving marriage. 1. Clearly set up boundaries for his verbal behavior. 2. Leave the situation physically when he breaks the set up boundaries. 3. Be safe. Do not ever allow him to bully or intimidate you verbally or physically. This is not yet a problem physically but aggressive spouses often begin verbally abusing and over time become physically abusive. The danger is increasing because of his more frequent verbal abusive behavior. Let him know without a doubt the police will be called if he physically strikes you. 4. If you cannot implement the above basic strategies, seek out counseling as your friend did. The long range trend for your marriage is not good without change. Ideally, your husband will seek out Anger Management for himself to sort out why he is giving you inappropriate abusive anger. He needs to identify the anger triggers and try out new strategies with someone who can set up a supportive yet honest therapeutic environment to help him understand and change his behaviors. These recommendations can be helpful but are basic. You can also look at our website to see what we have on Anger Management. Please contact me if I can be of further help. ]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2012:/newsletter//1.88 2012-01-11T20:51:31Z 2012-01-11T20:55:58Z

Question: Dr. Braccio: Our home has been in turmoil since our fourteen year old daughter began dating a controlling sixteen year old. Up until she met him, she was very close with us, the rest of her family and...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question: Dr. Braccio: Our home has been in turmoil since our fourteen year old daughter began dating a controlling sixteen year old. Up until she met him, she was very close with us, the rest of her family and her friends. Even though superciliously charming, he's completely jealous of her, wants to know where she is all the time, is pushing her away from her friends and us, treats her like she's his property, and our daughter worries about getting him upset. My husband is ready to end the relationship. Her friends and everyone in the family agree with him. The school principal even mentioned some concerns when we ran into each other at the mall. I worry if we try to break them up that it will get worse and she'll go with him anyway. What do you think? Answer: I think your husband and "her friends and everyone in the family" are right. This relationship needs to end immediately. It is emotional abuse. As you describe his jealousy, wanting to know where she is at all times, isolating her from others, treating her as his property, and her worrying about getting him mad, are all key signs of the abusive personality and resulting relationship. Even though you did not mention it and maybe you just do not know, but physical abuse in such a situation as this is highly probably now or in the near future. This is not a decision where there can be compromise. The relationship must end immediately. Even if your daughter is upset and he will "pursue his prey", good parenting demands you save her from this emotionally abusive predator. At 14, you clearly have the responsibility to make some key decisions about her friends. That she has been close to you, gives you solid base to use as you clearly go contrary to her desires and end this relationship. At a basic level, for now and the foreseeable future, you need to decide how close of a dating relationship a fourteen year old should have. I believe a fourteen year old who dates needs plenty of time away from that person with peers and family. I also think it is questionable if a fourteen year old is best served by any dating relationship that is intense, exclusive, and keeps the person away from family and friends. This time is best used to develop skills for good friendships with boys and girls. Serious relationships can come later. Let her know you love her and care for her as you firmly tell her the relationship is over. Let him know he is not welcome in your home or in the company of your daughter. Tell the principal and school counselor about your concerns and that you desire him to stay away from her. Fortunately, the principal is aware of the problem. To have the school counselor regularly talk to your daughter during this upcoming period when she is not seeing him would be helpful. You will need all the help you can get to break his grip on her . A therapist away from school who is familiar with emotional abuse could also be helpful. A further concern you have is why she is attracted to such a person. Self-esteem issues need to be addressed so this does not happen again. Be prepared for a difficult period as you end this abusive relationship. Patience, understanding, and a lot of love will be needed by all of you to get back to where you were. She can potentially become a stronger person if she learns from this abusive relationship.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.87 2011-12-26T15:43:54Z 2011-12-26T15:45:33Z

Christmas is a great National Holiday to celebrate. For Christians, it is the birth of the Savior, Jesus Christ. For non-Christians it is the birth of a great human being who set a high standard for all humans and...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Christmas is a great National Holiday to celebrate. For Christians, it is the birth of the Savior, Jesus Christ. For non-Christians it is the birth of a great human being who set a high standard for all humans and their behavior. A few good standards for all to live by would be: 1. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 2. "To whom much is given, much is expected." While many persons sadly find Christmas a difficult day due to life conditions, it is a time we all need to find things to be grateful. It also is a time for those of us who are joyful to reach out to help others get in the Christian Spirit. I talked on Christmas on the "Tony Conley Radio Show" in Lansing on 12/20/11. Please email me if you would like me to send you the radio segment by email. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Holidays! tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.86 2011-12-21T14:41:18Z 2011-12-21T14:43:30Z

Hello Everyone! On 12/13/11, I discussed Leadership on the Tony Conley Radio Show on 1320 a.m., Lansing, Michigan. If you desire to hear it let me know and we will email it to you as a service. Leadership is...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Hello Everyone! On 12/13/11, I discussed Leadership on the Tony Conley Radio Show on 1320 a.m., Lansing, Michigan. If you desire to hear it let me know and we will email it to you as a service. Leadership is the ability to guide or direct an activity to successful completion. The organization directed can be as basic as a home or as involved as a huge international company or head of state. The ability to lead is both inherited and learned. A person's voice quality, physical appearance, intuitive analysis of people and situations and inward drive are inherited. Charm also is a quality one can observe but it is hard to determine whether the characteristic is inherited, developed or is in many cases, a combination of both. Life experiences, training and good models to observe and learn from are factors that can mold whatever inherited abilities one has into effective leadership The following are a few key abilities leaders have to show true leadership. 1. Motivate and even inspire people to do their best. 2. Present a vision others can believe in and seek to accomplish. 3. Trusted by others. 4. Willingness by others to listen and follow. 5. Respect others. 6. Approachable and accepting of their suggestions and ideas. 7. Gives information in way that is helpful to the vision and goals of the organization. John Adams, the second President of the United States of America, gave the following statement on leadership that is a model for those in current or potential leadership positions: "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." I am in the process of putting together a presentation on Leadership that will be available in download on my website in the near future. If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please feel free to contact me directly. ]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.85 2011-12-05T20:24:09Z 2011-12-05T20:27:47Z

Question Dr. Braccio: We have a touchy situation with my mother-in-law. She looks after our two children after school until one of us picks them up at 5:30 or so. The concern is that we're all way overweight and...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question Dr. Braccio: We have a touchy situation with my mother-in-law. She looks after our two children after school until one of us picks them up at 5:30 or so. The concern is that we're all way overweight and are trying to lose weight as a family. Our family doctor has us on a diet. She's sabotaging us with the children by giving them every fatty food and drink you can imagine. As we cut back at home, she seems to be trying to shovel in more food into their mouths. She sometimes even gives them huge pieces of lasagna before they come home to eat. It seems we're in a contest of wills. She says they won't get fat at her house if we watch what they eat the rest of the time. We hate this but she does help us and we don't want to fight with her. She and her husband are also very overweight. What should we do? Answer You and your husband need to firmly take on your parenting role. That the grandmother helps is positive but her not respecting the diet of the children is unacceptable and must change. The first thing to do is for you and your husband to meet and clearly decide how you will address this problem. Do not meet with her unprepared or you may have a messy argument where everyone will be hurt and angry. I suggest you jointly and firmly say how much you love her and appreciate her help with the children and the love she shows them with food and care. However, let her know the family is under doctor's care for the weight problem. State she cannot sabotage this and please only give them what the two of you approve. If she resists and says she will do as she pleases, then you need to make the decision to not let the children stay with her after school. This may be difficult, but this lack of respect for your parenting is such that you will lose the respect of your children if you give in to her. They also well remain overweight. You also cannot put the children in the middle of the conflict. It would not be fair to ask them to defy their grandmother and not eat what she gives them. The adult is their grandmother and you need to expect adult behavior from her. In addition to possible sabotage, it is possible the grandmother sees giving food as an expression of love. She may believe the joy she sees on their faces when eating lasagna outweighs any worries about weight. Considering everyone is overweight, this is very possible. Hopefully, she will gain a better perspective of what you are doing and what is healthy. I hope this all works out in a manner that the grandmother changes and everyone can live happily as a loving family. If not, that will sadly be the choice of their grandmother. I would predict if you are firm, sensitive and filled with love that this will work out in a satisfactory manner.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.84 2011-11-23T19:58:22Z 2011-11-23T19:59:49Z

Thanksgiving is a great holiday for everyone. Regardless of how our life is going, we all have something to be grateful for. It can be a positive memory, a good deed to help others or a fun-filled family day...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Thanksgiving is a great holiday for everyone. Regardless of how our life is going, we all have something to be grateful for. It can be a positive memory, a good deed to help others or a fun-filled family day to celebrate our love for family and God if we are so inclined. The level to which we are not grateful is a level of dissatisfaction in life. When anger, jealousy, entitlement, frustration and unfairness win out over gratefulness, we suffer a loss of humanity and we become petty and bitter. To be thankful allows us to appreciate what we have and see the potential we have to be the best possible for ourselves and others. Our lives can be loaded with more joy if we reach out and make others feel better and have hope for their present and future. To help others is a gift we can be grateful. If times are tough and they are for many, work hard to try to find things, as little as they may be, to be grateful. You will be a happier person and have a happier life. Go for it! If you would like me to send you a recent radio segment I did on the "Tony Conley Radio Show" on Thanksgiving on 1320 a.m., please feel free to email me. The best is wished to each of you during this Thanksgiving Holiday! God Bless! tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.83 2011-10-19T19:51:43Z 2011-10-19T19:56:11Z

Question Dr. Braccio: I just heard you on the radio as a guest talking about ADD but was not able to call in with a question. I'm very upset with my parents. Our hard working nine year old daughter...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question Dr. Braccio: I just heard you on the radio as a guest talking about ADD but was not able to call in with a question. I'm very upset with my parents. Our hard working nine year old daughter has been diagnosed with both ADD and a Reading Disability. She is a wonderful and sensitive girl who has taken a lot over the past few years due to her disabilities. She has a tutor and we and the school work hard with her and she is doing fairly well. What I'm mad about is that my parents say ADD is a bunch of bunk and our daughter is lazy and has no reading problem. They have said this to us and we have ignored them but now we know they've been telling her this all the time when she is alone with them. I guess my father is quite aggressive when he talks to her and tells her to shape up. She was afraid to tell us and has been scared to be with them alone. She cried last time we were going to drop her off. We felt horrible when she told us what has been happening. My husband is mad and is ready to confront them. Our daughter is very intimidated by them and wants us to do nothing. For now, my husband says he will do nothing but says something has to change. To make things worse, an unmarried sister lives with my parents and has been saying the same thing. I'm so mad but hate to start a big family fight. My two sisters say they will not change and to ignore them and have my daughter do the same thing. What do you think? Answer You need to say something. This is a form of bullying. Your daughter, though no fault of her own, has ADD and a reading disability. She needs encouragement and support rather than psychological abuse, intimidation and bullying. Even if your parents mean well, their approach is hurtful and destructive to her self-esteem. Your daughter needs to know you are defending her and that she does not have to put up with bullying, regardless of the intent of your parents and sister. It makes her feel insecure by their saying in effect she is the cause of her problems. That is mean spirited, untrue and unfair. She has already been through enough in her young life. You need to emphatically tell them not only are they wrong but they are damaging the self-esteem of your wonderful daughter. Let them know this is not acceptable and you will not allow it anymore. To allow this to occur and ignore it would be poor parenting. While I know persons unfortunately need to adapt to insensitive persons in life when it cannot be controlled, this is a controllable situation and must end. Sadly, too many in our society criticize persons with disabilities because they do not understand them and choose to criticize rather than get educated. Hopefully, your directness can help them see the truth and be helpful. If not, they will suffer by not being an active part in the life of both of you and their wonderful granddaughter or niece. At a level she can understand, you can tell your daughter she does not have to put up with this type of behavior. Explain her disabilities to her if you have not. She needs to know they are real, not her fault and that she with effort and support can be successful and happy in life.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.82 2011-09-26T20:17:47Z 2011-09-26T20:35:46Z

Part of my work over the years has been to help managers and executives be more effective and became leaders. Most come on their own but some are sent for help with specific problem areas where they are seen...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Part of my work over the years has been to help managers and executives be more effective and became leaders. Most come on their own but some are sent for help with specific problem areas where they are seen as lacking and they must improve. I will spell out some helpful management strategies used by effective managers that I try to help develop with them in our sessions. They seem like common sense but are often lost track of or worse have never been learned. A key thought for all of us is that one is never too old to learn and not to manage by this maxim will eventually do you in professionally as a manager or executive. Strategies on how to be a better manager/executive to become a leader in any organization. 1. Accept responsibility for things that do not work out. Bad luck and the past are not excuses. With a team effort, focus on solutions, enjoy the challenges and overcome them. 2. Make sure expectations are clear with no doubt. Mission needs to be the same for everyone. 3. Help people to their highest possible level. Be a coach and always encourage and be positive. 4. Act with integrity yourself as you are the model of behavior. Only hire high performers. Take your time. Hiring is critical to failure and success of your organization. 5. Manage your time and help others do the same. 6. Be constructive with criticism. 7. Use humor. 8. Always learn, read, be open to new ideas, try new tings, listen, be helpful, be accessible and always be positive. If you would like an audio segment sent on this topic from a recent interview I did on 1320 am Radio in Lansing, Michigan, request it and it will be emailed to you at no change. tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.81 2011-09-14T18:42:33Z 2011-09-14T18:43:36Z

Yesterday I did a segment on 1320 am Radio in Lansing, Michigan about 9/11. I felt it might be useful to share some of the points covered. If you would like to hear it, email a request to me...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Yesterday I did a segment on 1320 am Radio in Lansing, Michigan about 9/11. I felt it might be useful to share some of the points covered. If you would like to hear it, email a request to me and I will email it to you. As always, your comments are appreciated. The 9/11 Terrorist Attack is something that has changed America psychologically for as long as we last as a nation. President Bill Clinton said of those who died ON Flight 93 when they bravely stormed the cockpit: ORDINARY PEOPLE GIVEN NO TIME AT ALL TO DECIDE, AND THEY DID THE RIGHT THING. AND 2,500 YEARS NOW, I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD THAT PEOPLE WILL STILL REMEMBER THIS. President George Bush quoted a letter from President Abraham Lincoln to a mother who reportedly lost five sons in the Civil War: I PRAY THAT OUR HEAVENLY FATHER MAY ASSUAGE THE ANGUISH OF YOUR BEREAVEMENT. President Obama said it best: IT WILL BE SAID OF US THAT WE KEPT THE FAITH, THAT WE TOOK THE PAINFUL BLOW AND EMERGED STRONGER. Personally we were on a flight from Miami to Detroit. We were the last or one of the last planes into Detroit Metro. It was eerie and scary. Dr. Mahmood Hai of the Muslin Community Of Western Suburbs mosque in Canton, Michigan said: HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, THERE IS NO THEM. JUST US. Governor Synder said: WE ARE MOVING FORWARD TOGETHER AS MICHIGANDERS AND AMERICANS. The quotes go on from the famous to every American in conversations with others. Life is very fragile. To recognize that people are out there who so hate us that they can see a purpose in killing thousands of innocent people shows the power of evil and the need to see it and destroy it. What a perversion when such persons would so distort the wishes of God to do this. The wonder is that the good in people won out in thousands of brave acts, kind thoughts and fervent prayers. This is a testament of you and all others of good will in our country and around the world. I am optimistic in the ultimate power of GOOD over EVIL if we all try to do our part as human beings. tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.80 2011-09-09T17:55:22Z 2011-09-09T17:59:42Z

Question Dr. Braccio: I have a dilemma. I have an 11 year of son that resulted from a brief relationship with a military person. He has always paid support, but only after an initial paternity fight. He has recently...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question Dr. Braccio: I have a dilemma. I have an 11 year of son that resulted from a brief relationship with a military person. He has always paid support, but only after an initial paternity fight. He has recently retired and three months ago, at least temporarily, moved to this area. He says he retired as early as he could to come here. He has no other children. I've had no other children and have recently come through a terrible relationship and divorce. We've been dating and my son is so happy to have him near. He's so proud to have his dad at his events and in his life. They get along very well. This is particularly true because my ex-husband treated him so badly. He could never do anything right. What do I do? I never really knew him and wonder what is the best thing to do. He's being good to me. He's not been involved as he traveled from place to place over the years. He only saw him three times over those years and only called on his birthday and major holidays. He wants to develop a relationship with me and his son. He seems to be trying hard. Can I trust him? What should I do? Answer I would be wary of him. If you decide to enter a relationship with him, you need to do it slowly. That you are already dating shows the process has begun. If he is good to your son over a period of time, that would be a good gauge to use as far as the two of you are concerned. Because of what already has happened to your son, you cannot risk him again being hurt and "treated badly". That he is the father and they are now bonding will be positive if he maintains himself in his life. It is possible he has now placed his priorities in order. However, his lack of visits and contacts over the years has to make you cautious. This is true even though he was in the military. That he retired as soon as he could is positive. That he chose not to live near his son and did not leave the military sooner raises questions and puts up a flag of caution. At a positive level, his coming to live near you and his son is very positive. That he is trying to build a relationship with both of you is positive. That both of you are alone and have one child is a good reason to be together, even with all of the intervening years. Because of the potential problems that could occur to all of you emotionally, you might find working with a therapist experienced in complicated family relationships could be helpful. If there is a spiritual component to your lives, a pastor could also be helpful. A big question is whether he will stay near his son if the two of you do not come together as a couple. This could be devastating to your son if he were to leave. If not already, you must openly discuss this. Your situation is very complicated. It appears to have all the makings of great potential or great disaster. That he "treats you good" and gets along "very well" with your son are most positive factors. Because of the potential good for all of you, to attempt to have the relationship work seems worth the effort; however, please be cautious prior to making any major commitments.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.79 2011-08-17T18:45:26Z 2011-08-17T18:47:36Z

Question: Dr. Braccio: I have an odd but for me a difficult problem. Thirty-two years ago I was stationed in Texas and took up with a woman there. I was with her when she was pregnant from another man....

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question: Dr. Braccio: I have an odd but for me a difficult problem. Thirty-two years ago I was stationed in Texas and took up with a woman there. I was with her when she was pregnant from another man. I went through the pregnancy with her and agreed to have my name on the birth certificate so there would be the name of a father the mother cared for. I cared for her and her mother a lot and was involved in her upbringing for two years and then returned to Michigan and pretty much put it behind me. I left on good terms with the mother. We both realized we were not compatible. The daughter is moving to Troy, Michigan for a good job. She wrote me because her mother had died and she wanted to meet her father. I know who her father is and found him in a people search. My problem is what to tell her. No one in my family knew anything about this and I never imagined this happening. My wife, adult children, and family tell me to just tell her the whole truth and direct her to her real father. I am not sure how to tell her, what to tell her, and where to tell her. I also have some feelings for someone I shared a lot of happy times with when she was a baby and young child. What do you advise? Answer: Even though most people would say you need to tell her the truth, this is clearly a very delicate situation. An added difficulty is that this has brought up old feelings and you still have some for this girl. You put your name on her birth certificate and helped raise her for two years. You need to talk to your wife and children about this and explain how you feel. Ideally they will understand and collectively you can decide what to do. In my mind it is better to meet with her to discuss this. Even if painful for your wife, she may want to meet with you when you see her. To do this, she will need more understanding and compassion than many of us have. Your children may also want to meet her. Hopefully they and your wife can understand this was a baby and child you cared for and even loved. I suggest you tell her you loved her as a child but are not her biological father. If she presses you, and many might not agree, I would tell her the name of the man her mother told you was her father. She can then decide what to do with the information. She is over 30 and apparently a successful adult. It is possible you will meet with her one time and that will be the end of it. At a human level, it is possible you can all get to know her as someone you helped raise the first two years of her life. As a final thought, you might want to talk to an attorney about any legal implications of you being named her father on the birth certificate. ]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.78 2011-07-21T17:19:20Z 2011-07-21T17:24:32Z

Question: Dr. Braccio: I've found out my fifteen year old son has stolen some CDs from his uncle. I checked in his room and found them hidden. My brother had called me and asked me if they were in...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question: Dr. Braccio: I've found out my fifteen year old son has stolen some CDs from his uncle. I checked in his room and found them hidden. My brother had called me and asked me if they were in my house because he believed my son took them because he was the last person with them. He also said he thinks he has taken other things from him. I honestly told him I thought no but would check. When I asked my son, he got mad at me and his uncle and said he didn't have them. My problem is that I've told my son I'll never snoop and look around in his room without his permission. This was done when I found things I didn't want in his room in the past and he agreed not to do it anymore or lie about it if I wouldn't go into his room. I thought he'd been good recently. I've broken that agreement and found the CDs hidden between his mattress. What do I do? If I tell him, he'll say I've broken our trust by doing this. I'm very confused. Answer You tell him you found the CDs and are very upset he stole them and then lied to you. Let him know how you feel when he steals and then lies to you about it. He needs to know that even though you love him and will help him anyway possible, lying and stealing are unacceptable behaviors. Then tell him he broke his word that led to your "snooping" in his room. When you agreed to "never snoop", that was made in good faith and trust that he would hold up his end of the agreement. When his uncle convincingly raised the issue of the stolen CDs, you had justifiable reason to suspect your son had nullified the agreement. As a parent, you must employ your judgment in these matters and you did so appropriately. His lying and stealing have shown he has a lack of respect for you, his home, his uncle, and even for himself if to lie and steal are what he is choosing to do. It appears he has done this in the past and has not stopped. A parent has a responsibility to give teenagers as much privacy as is possible; however, parents need the right to go into any part of the house when there is a concern something is there that the parent would find unacceptable. That is good parenting and respectful children accept this. What if there were drugs and he overdosed? It is apparent from your own words that your son previously has had things in his room you find objectable and lied about it. To have agreed not to go in without his permission on his word he would not do it again was the wrong solution to the problem. You need to do now what you needed to in the past. Tell him you're going into his room will directly relate to the level of trust you have for him doing what you desire in your home. Yes, I said "your home". For now, regular "snooping" will occur. It is his job to build up your trust in him and not vice versa. Honorable and positive self-esteem are the personality traits of persons who are truthful and do what they say they will do. Effective parenting requires you to help your son stop lying and stealing. The end result will be a proud mother and a son respectful of himself, his mother, and his home.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.77 2011-06-30T20:11:52Z 2011-06-30T20:35:02Z

Question Dr. Braccio: My two teenaged children seem to always be taken advantage of by their friends. Sadly, this has also been my lot in life. We give and give, but our friends ultimately seem to want to take...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question Dr. Braccio: My two teenaged children seem to always be taken advantage of by their friends. Sadly, this has also been my lot in life. We give and give, but our friends ultimately seem to want to take advantage of us or not be helpful. They even often demand help and support from us while offering us none. I have tried to not have my children be like me but they're having the same problems. What's the problem? What can we do? Answer All three of you do not develop mature and mutually satisfying friendships. A close friend is in many ways "another you" that you can count on to discuss whatever you want openly and safely when feeling down, feeling good, feeling mellow, feeling ecstatic, etc. In effect, a person who will never betray you or misuse what you share and a person who enjoys your life as you enjoy theirs. A friend offers a peaceful psychological harbor where you are safe from the gales of life. It is a person who will treat you as you will treat that person. The roles of who is helping who the most will reverse over time as the ups and downs of life effects each of you. Over time, things will even out as each is a "true friend" and mutually helps and is helped by the other. Even though it is very hard to develop such friendships, you clearly never have gotten into a relationship that could result in such a friendship. The primary problem is a lack of self-esteem. A true friendship requires equality. You must care for yourself equal to the other person. You in effect must "love thy neighbor as thyself". You have lost the "thyself". A test for a friendship is if you feel good about yourself after interactions with that person. If this is not the case, it is not a good friendship and you should get out of it. This is not always easy to do. Persons that pose as friends but really only want our help and support are hard to get away from because they want the unfair relationship to continue for their own needs. As you said, unhelpful friends "even often demand help and support from us while offering us none." The following examples are types of behaviors that reflect a "false friendship": 1. Promises are not kept. 2. Confidentiality is broken. 3. No sensitivity to your concerns while always focusing on the other's concerns. 4. Lying. Truth is a minimal standard in any friendship. 5. A "competitor" who wants to win or outdo you all the time. 6. The "critic" who always finds fault with you. 7. The "controller" who wants you to behave and think in a certain way. 8. The "negative" person who brings you down by only finding the negative in everything, including you and your friendship! 9. The "equalizer" who absurdly makes sure there is an absolute fairness in the friendship. Usually, this is not only trying on the friendship, but often is an attempt to determine the course of the friendship. 10. The "analyzer" who wants to figure out every hidden reason why you do something. This is tiring and gets in the way of friendship. If you know any of these "persons", who are posing as friends, have the courage to change the rules or get them out of your lives. Life is too short to be hurt by persons who say they are friends. A false friend causes one far more hurt and grief than a known enemy.]]> tag:www.bracciophd.com,2011:/newsletter//1.76 2011-06-06T14:46:46Z 2011-06-06T14:51:18Z

Question: Dr. Braccio: Our 17 year old son is a pretty neat kid. He gets along well with just about everybody. Our concern is that he's a remarkably average student in spite of strong academic potential. We had him...

Dr. John Braccio www.bracciophd.com Question: Dr. Braccio: Our 17 year old son is a pretty neat kid. He gets along well with just about everybody. Our concern is that he's a remarkably average student in spite of strong academic potential. We had him evaluated a few years ago and he was found to be very intelligent but not motivated academically. He rarely gets a D or a B. It seems he aims exactly for a C and gets it . Our concern is that as he enters his senior year next year, what can be done to fire him up? We've tried to bribe him, punish him, and just about everything else. He says he'll go to Lansing Community College when he graduates and try to find out there what he'll do. Most of our friends think we're lucky to have him and not worry so much about him. They think he's a great kid and will do fine. What do you think? Answer: You first of all need to applaud yourselves for having such a fine son. Because he has chosen to be an average student through nearly the eleventh grade, it does not appear he will radically change in the coming months prior to entering his senior year. That he "gets along well with just about everybody" is very positive and shows he has excelled at social development. This alone can be the basis of many successful careers. You need to continue to encourage him to do his best in school. That is your job as parents. Hopefully, he will do this, but it appears it will begin at Lansing Community College; and that is acceptable. That he wants to go to Lansing Community College is positive. Hopefully there he will begin the academic spurt he needs to achieve closer to his potential. I believe Lansing Community College is a wonderful community learning center. In fact, I believe large numbers of students would do much better to spend some time there rather than going immediately to a four year school. It is a place your son can find himself academically as well as his future vocation. It is amazing all the careers one can prepare for at Lansing Community College. Even though parents want their children to get top grades, to be an average student when you have no career goals in life and you are not motivated can be seen as positive. Too many children who are not motivated simply drop out of school and often end up with meager jobs due to a lack of basic education and work skills. That is not the case of your son. You need to try to encourage him whenever he finds something of interest that could be a career for him. For example, if he were to say he liked how teachers help children, you could follow up with discussion about him being a teacher. Try not to use "yes/but" statements. For an example, do not say, "We're glad you don't get Ds, but we want all As and Bs". For now, this will turn him off as it apparently has over the years. Even though it will be hard for you, ongoing discussion is more likely to occur from the following interaction: "Son, we're happy you passed everything. Are you satisfied?" Even if there is not a lot of follow up discussion, at least there is a chance rather than the coffin-like "yes/but" statements that will lead nowhere. Even though you are frustrated, try to focus on his strong social strengths and be his guide and support when in the future he focuses more on academics and vocational planning.]]>